We’ve all had our fair share of experiences in life where we’ve been shamed, blamed, criticised or laughed at. Let’s face it, it’s virtually impossible to get through adolescence without enduring some kind of social torture. Your friends talking to you one day and then leaving you for dead the next… or being lashed over and over again for something you’d rather forget.
By the time we reach adulthood it’s no wonder that most of us have constructed an impenetrable fortress around ourselves. We’re tired of people taking things personally, trying to give us advice or worrying more about our situation than we do ourselves. We’re sick of simply being misunderstood.
As an adult, when someone judges us, goes behind our back, tries to control us, or blames us, it feels twice as hard because we’ve already been there and done that. At some point along the way, many of us just stop feeling like we can trust anyone…and with pretty good reason.
It’s not uncommon for us to end up with a lot of friends but still feel disconnected from those around us. We may hang out all the time but never actually discuss anything real. We can know people for our entire lives and have a sense that they don’t really know us at all. We might have tons of friends, but when all is said and done, we’re still going at life alone which can be an uphill battle and and a lonely experience.
The truth is that it doesn’t really matter how many people we have in our life. If we don’t have relationships that TRULY support who we are and what we need, then our environment isn’t optimised for our growth. We are like a shark that is born and placed into a fish tank. In the tank it will grow to 8 inches, whereas in the ocean it will grow to 8 feet. A shark will not outgrow it's environment and neither will we.
We don't always like to admit it, but we really do need other people's support in life. It's not that we need "help" (because we are quite capable of knowing what is best for ourselves), but having people believe in us (and listen to us without judgment), whilst we navigate our journey is invaluable. We don’t need a million people, we just need a few of the RIGHT people.
If finding at least one of these people means not constantly going out with those that don’t support who we are and where we want to go, then it’s a small price to pay. We can’t find the right people for us if we’re continuously filling the space with who isn’t.
Sometimes we already have one, two or many people in our life who are helping us to grow. Or maybe we remember coming across one of these people in a fleeting conversation or situation. Either way we know when we find these people because our internal world lights up. We often feel an internal happy dance break out when they don't judge our wacky thoughts or get excited about our crazy idea. We often feel confident, happy and more excited after speaking with them. This is how we feel with the right people and when we have them by our side, we can grow like crazy.
Our relationships really do have the power to help us grow or keep us right where we are. At the end of the day, it all starts with ourselves and what we choose. When we can focus on what helps and supports us in where we want to go, we can optimise our environment so that we can feel better and thrive.
So how do you know if your relationships are helping you or hindering you? Here are 8 Qualities of a Healthy & Supportive Connection:
1. Different views and perspectives are embraced
Healthy and supportive relationships provide an open container for all that each person is. There is an understanding that both people do not see the world in the same way and this is a GOOD thing.
Different views and perspectives are seen as something to grow and learn from because they aid in expanding awareness. With expanded awareness, we gain a greater outlook on our own life which can transcend problems or barriers we may face. This is different to a toxic relationship where the difference of opinion or perspective can become a platform for arguing over who is right and wrong.
2. There is an intention to understand rather than be right
With supportive relationships, the need for there to be a right or wrong does not enter the equation. Both people know that if that is the case, the conversation is already dying. With growth relationships, both people genuinely want to have discussions to learn more about each another. Conversations become more fulfilling as they lead to deeper understanding instead of arguments that consist of trying to prove a point or defend against attack.
Having the intention to understand one another better means that conversations are often fruitful and provide many opportunities to learn and grow as an individual.
3. Each person takes responsibility for themselves
In growth relationships, both individuals are aware that they are responsible for taking care of themselves, their own needs and their lives in general. Because of this, it becomes much easier to talk freely and express feelings because there is a mutual understanding that both are completely able to take care of themselves and make their own choices which removes any need to fix or solve one another’s problems. Most of the time when this occurs in relationships, it is not only frustrating but stifling for our growth.
Although fear may arise that the other person will take our thoughts personally, there is a safety that exists in supportive relationships that doesn’t in toxic ones. Sharing feels safe because it doesn’t lead to upset, blame or criticism that can happen if we see there being a right and wrong or are not taking responsibility for our own side of the street.
4. Needs & Boundaries are respected
As each person takes full responsibility for themselves and what they need, there is a genuine respect for each other’s lives, needs and boundaries. There are no silly quarrels over not hearing back from someone quick enough, being ignored or getting angry that a message was seen but not responded to.
Time and space is seen as irrelevant where these relationships are concerned as there is a mutual understanding that both people have their own independent lives and neither time nor distance has anything to do with how much each person cares about the relationship.
5. They champion you to follow your dreams
A good sign of a healthy connection is when a person GENUINELY wants us to be the best version of who we can be and supports and champions OUR choices in life. This level of support gives us a huge feeling of SAFETY that helps us to build the confidence to follow our own path, especially when we may feel tentative or afraid.
It is worthy of noting here that we have been brought up in a survival based society. Many of us have been led to believe that in order to be successful, we have to do better or beat our peers. As a result, it is no surprise that we feel threatened or worried about what it means for us if our friends are doing well. Combine this with the fact that most people these days are chronically stressed, it can often be hard for people to truly champion one another without feeling that it threatens their own existence.
This is often the result when we are operating from a place of survival and fear and insecurity take over within ourselves (You can find out more on that here: 7 Signs That You Are Living In Survival Mode).
With healthy relationships, individuals know that both people are walking their own journey and someone else’s success has nothing to do with their own. Success is personal, despite what society may have led us to believe (something you can check out here: 6 Sneaky Ways We Block Our Own Progress).
6. You feel unconditionally supported
Healthy relationships have an unconditional nature which means that giving and receiving happens without expectation. This is different from toxic exchanges where actions are made with underlying expectations or hopes of receiving something in return. Many people in relationships harbour a lot of resentment for this reason and wind up feeling underappreciated and unloved when other people don't return the favour. Often a characteristic of people pleasing (Read about the signs of People Pleasing here).
When you feel unconditionally supported, although your decision to do something for yourself may make the other person sad or change their life in some way, they are able to put their own personal feelings aside in order to support you wholeheartedly. There is a lack of guilt tripping in growth relationships that can often occur in unhealthy exchanges where people can let their personal feelings interfere with the other person’s personal choices and decisions.
7. Feedback is embraced
In growth focused relationships, there is a mutual desire to want to grow and become the best versions of who we can be. Because of this, it is always safe to speak openly and reflect back to one another without fear of someone losing their marbles or taking it personally. Both people know that they want what is best for each other and feedback is a healthy and loving way to help each other to grow.
Because both people have the desire to evolve, the relationship becomes a container for sharing amazing thoughts, ideas, resources and generally helping each other out.
8. It feels safe to be yourself
When we experience a healthy connection, we naturally feel comfortable in our own skin and recognise that we don’t feel the need to wear a mask. We don’t feel like we need to hide when we feel sh*t because it’s totally safe to just be REAL.
Many times we can tell whether a relationship is right for us in the way that we think and feel about it before and after spending time
with someone. We may spend a lot of time contemplating whether we can be bothered or notice that afterwards we feel completely drained or more stressed.
When it comes to having a growth connection, we notice a genuine excitement and enthusiasm in the lead up, and often walk away feeling more energised or enlightened rather than completely drained. Our recipe for success is spending as much time as possible staying true to ourselves and growth relationships help us to do just that.
What’s the takeaway?
It is clear that one of the BIGGEST elements we need for our growth is healthy and safe connection. However, so many of us have been exposed to toxic experiences that have caused us to close up and handle everything on our own. This has left many of us feeling more disconnected and stressed than ever.
Living in a survival fuelled society, it is not uncommon that we (and those around us) are operating from a place of fear. This makes it hard to get the courage we need when we need it because we have to deal with people taking things personally, reacting poorly or projecting their worries or uncertainty onto our dreams and desires. Something that is common when we are operating with a baseline level of anxiety, which many people these days are (7 Tell-Tale Signs You Are Experiencing Chronic Anxiety But Might Not Know It).
But we shouldn’t give up hope and bunker down on our island just yet. Often times we only need ONE person to remind us how great it is to feel truly connected to others and the amazing benefits it can have on our life. Just one person that helps us to see things differently and allows us to connect more deeply with ourselves. That one person might be a random colleague, someone we meet in a café, our neighbour or some outside guidance that we seek such as a mentor, counsellor, coach, teacher etc.
It doesn’t matter who this person is just as long as the relationship allows us to start breaking through our fortress. If it is safe and healthy enough, we can evolve in ways we never imagined possible.
At any moment in time, we may realise that we are trying to keep everything to ourselves and are going at everything alone. Being aware of this is the most important thing because we then have the choice to ask ourselves why, and whether it is supportive of where we want to go. We may find that we are ready to grow and our fortress or environment is blocking us from upgrading.
Often we only need to start with one person who aligns with us right here and now. Where there is one there is many, and as we start to attract more like-minded people into our lives, we naturally invite unconditional support wherever we go. With appreciation for difference and championing of individual success, we are able to face our fears with more confidence. We are able to bravely follow our intuition and embrace more of what is meant for us in our life.
When we have the right people around us, life feels exciting and our interactions are fulfilling. We feel inspired to be the best that we can be and anything feels possible. That's how life should feel.
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You may also be interested in reading this related article: 9 Amazing (and Unexpected) Reasons to Work on Yourself
Are you looking for Guidance?
If you are looking to heal your anxiety naturally or have a desire to upgrade your life, Holistic Counselling could be just the thing for you. You can read more about it below.
Molly is a Holistic Counsellor with qualifications in Holistic Counselling, Life Coaching & Meditation Therapy. However, most of what she brings to the table is her personal human experience and dedication to self healing and growth. She is the founder of Mind Habitat which offers Holistic Counselling to individuals who want to heal their anxiety naturally and develop personal power in their life. You can book a session with Molly here.
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