When we hear the term People Pleaser, we often conjure up the type of person who has often been referred to as a "Suck-Up". Someone who is always doing whatever other people want in order to be liked. If there is one thing I have come to know about People Pleasing, it’s that it is so NOT that.
People pleasing runs really deep and the truth is that so many of us suffer from it. What’s often been referred to as the ‘Disease to Please’ is really just any action a person takes (in relation to another) that goes AGAINST how they really feel on the inside. It’s not so much that it is a conscious desire to be liked, but rather, it is driven from the belief that other people’s needs and feelings are more important than one's own.
The truth is that these patterns often start in early childhood when children are conditioned to prioritise pleasing other people. Whilst some kids are given free range to be a kid, others find themselves expected to take on the role of caregiver or burdened with adult responsibilities from a young age.
If a child experienced a very chaotic, strict, abusive or neglectful environment, it is likely they learned early in the piece that they felt safest when others were happy or okay. For others, they may have only received love, attention or celebration when they competed or took part in activities that a parent or caregiver wanted them to do. As a whole, these sorts of experiences lead to pushing aside our own needs and desires as a way of getting our primary needs met.
Many children operate in Survival Mode which hard wires the brain to anticipate the future. With people pleasing, this means focusing and prioritising the needs of others ahead of your own. Operating from Survival Mode and experiencing Chronic Anxiety is a constant experience for many children and often goes undetected into adulthood because it started early and became the norm very quickly.
Think you might still be operating from Survival Mode? You can check here: 7 Signs That You Are Living in Survival Mode...and How to Flip The Script).
Unsure if what you are feeling is Anxiety? You can check here: 8 Tell-Tale Signs You Are Experiencing Chronic Anxiety...But Might Not Know it
If you’re female, it’s likely that this people pleasing went one step further. Women are conditioned early in life that in order to be “good" girls, daughters, mothers, sisters, friends (etc!) that they need to TAKE CARE of others. This carries a heavy expectation that one needs to give the shirt off their back in order to show that they love and care for others.
For many of us, we have witnessed this pattern first hand with their own mothers who carried out this role and did EVERYTHING. It’s not unusual to have watched your mum take care of, and worry about everyone else without ever taking a moment for herself. This has been positively reinforced (and celebrated!) in our society for YEARS and as a result, leads us to feel that we have to self-abandon in order to show people that we care...and it’s simply not true.
So how do we know if this applies to us? Here are 8 ways to tell if we've developed a pattern of people pleasing:
1. You say YES when you really feel NO
Many people who suffer from People Pleasing often struggle to say no. When someone asks them if they want to do something such as go to dinner, they will find themselves saying yes even if it were their last free night all week and had been looking forward to relaxing. This can happen for multiple reasons with a major one being that we often believe we need to have an "appropriate" reason or excuse in order for our decline of invitation to be valid. If this is something you struggle with, you probably find yourself worrying about how the other person might feel if you said no instead of thinking of how YOU will feel when you do something you don’t truly want to do. Being unable to say no is often the result of trying to avoid feelings of guilt that have been conditioned from past experiences.
2. You always do what other people want because you are “happy with whatever”
Most of the time, People Pleasers find themselves saying things like “I don’t mind” or “I’m easy” because it genuinely feels easier to be that way. They might find themselves letting other people choose the restaurant, movie or holiday destination even if deep down they prefer something else. If you’ve catered to other people at a young age, it is likely that you are not as aware of your own desires and preferences and therefore, it can feel hard to know what you really want. It also feels easier because you don’t have to deal with the guilt that comes with asking for what you want.
3. You avoid speaking up to keep the peace
Many who suffer from People Pleasing notice that speaking up creates anxiety or dread. They might find themselves handed a cold meal at a restaurant but would rather avoid potentially upsetting anyone than to eat a hot meal themselves. Likewise, you might find yourself biting your tongue around friends or family because you don’t know how they would take it. At the core, you don't feel like you can freely express yourself without creating tension because it is likely this has been your experience in the past.
4. You go above and beyond for other people to your own detriment
Because People Pleasers struggle to say no, they often find themselves taking on the burdens of others without any regard for their own situation. Often they feel overloaded and stressed already but when asked, will give in and take on more. People Pleasers might find themselves agreeing to help a friend move house even though they’ve got a ton of things to do, or take on extra hours at work even though they feel stretched as it is. In either case, there is zero thought or priority for one's own feelings.
5. You do things for other people out of guilt
This one goes hand in hand with not being able to say no. If you are a People Pleaser, guilt is something you know VERY well and is likely the reason you find yourself doing a lot of things or saying a lot that you “think” is expected of you instead of what is true for you. It's possible you have told people that you like what they like even when you don't or simply found that you've had a lot of sex in your life even though you were not in the mood, felt exhausted or simply had no desire. Whatever the action, you've likely done it because you were thinking of someone else instead of yourself.
6. You harbour feelings of resentment
For any person who has developed patterns of People Pleasing, there are always feelings of resentment. A People Pleaser will over-give to others and often find themselves feeling angry or left upset that other people don’t seem to care about them. It's not uncommon to find yourself waiting for people to show you that they care in the same way you have tried to show them. We often blame our anger and resentment on others without realising that when all is said and done, we're resentful because we've ignored ourselves!
7. You often feel underappreciated
Similar to the above, People Pleasers will often wonder why people are not doing things for them in return. A People Pleasers often overextend themselves because there is a deep belief that this is how to show love. Because of this, when they do not receive the same in return, they will often feel like people don’t care about them. The result of never choosing ourselves: We feel unseen, unheard and unloved by others.
8. Your schedule is often overloaded
People Pleasers often have jam-packed calendars. They are often constantly busy and often heard saying ‘I don’t have enough time”. They desperately want time to relax but if given the choice, they will always add another activity into the space in their diary. People Pleasers struggle to relax which is why they will constantly find themselves busy and with an overloaded schedule. This can result from early childhood experiences where it was reinforced that they should be doing something or chastised for doing little. Either way, the thought of doing nothing can create a lot of guilt.
What’s the takeaway?
Selfless behaviour has long been celebrated in our society which has made it ten times harder to recognise how harmful it is. If you said yes to a few or more of these, then it’s likely you have a pattern of People Pleasing. If we find that the first thing we want to do is judge ourselves, it is important to witness this response and know that this is actually part of the problem. We're so critical of ourselves and we need to start working on the antidote: SELF KINDNESS.
Ultimately, we need to understand that People Pleasing is something a lot of people struggle with! For most, People Pleasing was the best strategy in childhood because it is a human need to feel seen, safe and loved. It is with great sadness that we often discover that we may not have received what we needed as children. Whilst it can be a hard pill to swallow, we also have to acknowledge that our coping strategy served us well in those years. This isn't something we should berate ourselves over but rather observe, so that we can understand ourselves more. Having said that, we are no longer that little helpless child but we can help that child by making new empowering choices NOW so that we can flip the script and stop causing so much pain and suffering for ourselves today.
Why do we need to flip the script?
When we continue to prioritise the needs and feelings of other people above our own, we constantly send a message to ourselves that we are not worthy or important. Over time, this erodes our self esteem and sense of self. It's not uncommon to find that you feel constantly conflicted, trapped in self doubt or absolutely exhausted from overexerting yourself and battling feelings of anger, sadness and guilt. It's not a fun way to live and you deserve so much more than this!!
So what’s the solution?
Acknowledging whether this applies to you is always the first step. What I often say to clients is that we have to start where we are and acknowledge our truth in this moment before we can do anything else.
From there, the second thing is to acknowledge that until now it is likely you haven’t believed that what you feel even matters. It is crucial that you decide for yourself right here and now that how you feel MATTERS. This includes what you like, dislike and have preferences for. Make the commitment to yourself that you are going to start honouring this truth moving forward.
It may seem simple but I know for myself that the reason I often said “I don’t mind” was because I had never truly even stopped to ask myself the question. I had continuously bypassed my feelings because I had conditioned myself to believe that they were not important or RELEVANT. When I recognised this, I was able to stop and hold space for myself in a completely different way. Having this newfound belief that I mattered allowed me to start taking the time to ask myself what I really did want and from there I was able to navigate life and make choices that honoured myself in the process. This is how everything began to change for me, and I know it can for you as well.
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Molly is a Holistic Counsellor with qualifications in Holistic Counselling, Life Coaching & Meditation Therapy. However, most of what she brings to the table is her personal human experience and dedication to self healing and growth. She is the founder of Mind Habitat which offers Holistic Counselling to individuals who want to heal their anxiety naturally and develop personal power in their life. You can book a session with Molly here.
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